Lately I’ve been feeling very far away from my old self. I’ve been forgetting what it was like to carry so much extra weight on my frame. I’ve forgotten what it was like to be out of breath after climbing the stairs. The life I lived as a morbidly obsession person was just that: the life I lived. It was all I had known. Now that it’s been several years since hitting my goal weight, it sort of hard to remember. Who I am now has been reset to my new norm.
My body and my reflection felt strange for a long time. I always felt 6-9 months behind what I actually looked like. But now, I expect to see the person looking back at me. When I see photos of my current self, I’m pleased instead of shocked. It’s the photos of my old self that I no longer recognize. That person continues to feel farther and farther away.
As I talk to clients now that are on their journey, I love to discuss their why. Almost everyone answers with “Because I want to be skinny” or some version this same statement. Granted, as we get to know one another, I usually find a deeper reason for their “why”. Parts of me are still figuring out my why, even after all this time. Most people think that if they just get skinny, everything will be different. You’ll be confident. You’ll be beautiful. You’ll be a better friend and partner. You’ll become adventurous and everything you’ve ever wanted! The real truth is: getting skinny won’t solve anything. There’s so much other work to be done. If you’re a bad friend when you’re unhealthy, you’ll still be a bad friend when you’re thin. Getting skinny is not a miracle. What is it really? Buying smaller clothes.
For example, I still run from some of my demons. Getting thin didn’t disguise me from them. I’m still not sure why I have this demon or when it found me but: I only want to do things I’m good at and comfortable with. I know that most people are like this but I think I’m worse than the usual. I like routine. I enjoy feeling like I’m better at most of the things I do than other people. (WOW. That sounds really bad) Therefore, it’s hard for me to push outside my comfort zone. I don’t like learning new things. I like to be an expert at what I enjoy.
So now that I’m fixed and ‘skinny’, that problem went away right? I’m now super confident 100% of the time and never feel uncomfortable. Yeah right. Lately I’ve been getting in to swimming. I remember liking swimming as a kid and being pretty good at it. Now, not so much. I’m pretty terrible at swimming. I feel like all the others swimmers watch me the whole time and giggle. (No one is). I feel like I’m splashing half the water out of the pool. (It always seems full when I get out though) I drank or chocked on the other half of the water. (This one is kinda true) I’m pretty uncomfortable the whole time. BUT. I’m doing it. I’m forcing myself out of my comfort zone and doing new things.
While getting skinny didn’t banish that demon, I was able to recognize it more easily during my transition. While having to try new things to create a new lifestyle, I had to push through that barrier and explore it. Now, while I’m no more comfortable doing it, I force myself to do new things all the time. Getting skinny fixes nothing. Fitting into a new bikini won’t fix it. Six jean sizes down will make you feel a ton butter but it won’t make you a better friend. A new little black dress will look great but it won’t fix a marriage. It’s all so much more.