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March 30, 2015

Fitness Magazine – I Did It

This week is SPRING BREAK! So you can expect to see small posts throughout the week since I actually have the time!

Today I sat down and finally wrote my application for Fitness Magazine. I get this magazine and always love reading the “I Did It” section. I have to say though, I read it very judgementally! Usually, I’ve lost a lot more weight than the people they feature. It’s like my gossip column.

So this week, I’m actually submitting my story. Who knows? Maybe they will pick me! I’m constantly looking for more ways to share my story and inspire others. So please feel free to pass my info to anyone and everyone!

If any morbidly obese person could feel like I do for just one day, they would lose the weight. Sometimes I wish I could put the weight back on for just one day to be able to feel the change back to back. So until you can read MY story in the magazine (fingers crossed!) drop over to their website to read others’ stories. Fitness Magazine – I Did It

March 6, 2015

Boxing with DaVarryl

Well it finally happened. I cried during a workout. I have teared up, wanted to cry and sucked up a tear before but I’ve never full out cried. Last night was that night.

I arrived at the gym to train with Jameson right after work. Due to unforeseen circumstances, Jameson was unable to make it. So the owner, DaVarryl Williamson absorbed me into his small class. For those who don’t box or are new to the idea of a trainer, every trainer is different. The exact same workout with two different trainers can look and feel drastically different. Each trainer has their own style, has different expectations and demands. I was immediately nervous and anxious not knowing what I was in store for.

He put us on cardio machines, which are all ‘conveniently’ stuck on the highest resistance and intensity possible. Then we wrapped up our hands and did exercises. After about a million sit ups and pull ups, he had us get in the ring. I was feeling pretty intimidated already because I couldn’t do the same amount or intensity as the others in class. But I’m pretty comfortable in the ring after a few training sessions with Jameson and was thinking to myself, “I got this.” I soooo did not.

DaVarryl started calling out combination numbers that I wasn’t used to. It was like Russian to me. Even after watching the other three in class go first, I couldn’t get it right. The others in class would whisper what I was supposed to do, I’d practice and then still go up and get it wrong. The workout was within my fitness level but I felt like I couldn’t do it. I got more and more frustrated with myself. I felt like everyone was watching me fail. DaVarryl was very patient with me while still demanding I meet expectations. Even when I turned my back on him, which you are NEVER supposed to do, he didn’t let me quit. Even when I was crying, he pushed me to do more because he knew I could. The workout was killer and I think I sweat a whole gallon. But I cried……….Twice.

I didn’t cry because the work was too hard. I didn’t cry because I wanted to quit or DaVarryl hurt my feelings. I didn’t cry because of the pain. I cried because I felt fat again.

I am not very good at “going with the flow”. (Shocker to all that know me, I know!) I walk into the gym with a certain mindset for what I’m about to do. Whenever it doesn’t go as planned, I get frustrated and anxious. So when I couldn’t do what everyone else could do, I felt like I was at the bottom of the class. It’s been a long time since I felt like I was the worst in any class. I kept thinking everyone else was thinking, “What the hell is she doing here?” “She’s holding up class.” “She’s not fit enough to keep up.” “She’s clearly a beginner.” “She can’t do it.”

Now, a day later, I can see the workout more clearly. I was the one thinking that. Who cares what everyone was thinking? The others in class were really helpful. The girl next to me even said, “It’s okay. You’re doing great! Most people have a hard time their first time. Most people puke.” I immediately wanted to punch her in the face because what I heard was “You can’t do this.” Last night I felt like I was fat and uncoordinated all over again. I felt frustrated with my body when it was really my mind holding me back. I was blaming the circumstance when I should have just focused. I need to stop putting myself in a box where failure equals not being awesome at everything. I SHOULD have really enjoyed the workout with an awesome boxer and teacher, but instead I let me mind take me to a place where I ended up hating it.

Last night showed me, yet again, how much work I still have left to do emotionally.

February 18, 2015

Weight Loss Timeline

I have been wanting to do a photographic timeline of my weight loss since I hit my goal weight back in September. Now I’m glad I waited. After hitting my goal weight, it’s hard to feel my body changing. A lower number always meant I did the right thing and made the right choices. However, putting this timeline together shows me how much I’m STILL changing after hitting the magic number.

The more I look at the old photos of me, the more I can’t hate her. There’s so much of her that’s still with me today. In a lots of ways, I still feel just like her. There are days I feel no better than that person. It just happens. So I can’t hate her because she will always well….be me!

On the other hand, I am so clearly NOT that person any more. But it isn’t because I lost the weight. It isn’t because I counted calories. It definitely isn’t because I logged hours at the gym. It’s because I changed on the inside. I became independent. I made new friends and had new experiences. It’s because I DID something with my life.

I’ve been struggling with something to measure for a while now. I think I just need to relax and enjoy where I am. I don’t mean relax at the gym or with my fitness level because I just truly love it now. I mean mentally. I think I am still putting way too much mental thought into this whollllllllllle thing.

Today I feel awesome. I feel like I kicked my obesity’s ass. Take a look!

February 17, 2015February 17, 2015

Photos Don’t Lie

This week I have been collecting a lot of old and new photos to make a timeline of my weight loss. It has been surprisingly difficult. Photos of my body at my heaviest weight, DO NOT EXIST. I feel like I keep using the same 5 pictures of examples of how heavy I was over and over. So I spent a few hours going through old photos both digital and in print. Now I have maybe 10. All the photos I can find, only show my face. The reason for this is obvious. I didn’t want people to see it! It’s bad enough to have to walk around in a body like that but seeing it in a concrete photo makes it even worse.

There are definitely times when, even when I was huge, I felt beautiful and sexy. Here’s an example! Then: While this wasn’t my actual Wedding Day, this is a day that I felt beautiful. I felt sexy and confident in my wedding dress. This was a great day and I think the smile on my face shows it all.

Now: When I look at this photo now, I still think I look beautiful. I do think I look huge in my size 22 wedding dress but all my happiness outshines my size. True love really does conquer all, even making you look past how heavy I am.

However, my beautiful and confident days were few and far between. Here’s another example:

Then: This is a hot summer day in Las Vegas on my Honeymoon. I had bought new clothes just for the Las Vegas sun. I remember wanting to feel cute in this photo and being totally grossed about about my belly. I think I might have even cried right there on the Las Vegas Strip. Is that what I really looked like? Photos don’t lie and I wanted this photo to lie sooooo bad.

Now: Gross. Fat. Unhappy. This should have been another photo where my smile and happiness distract you from how I look, but it doesn’t. I was uncomfortable with how I looked that day and you can tell.

The beautiful and gross days still continue to this day. There are days I feel confident, sexy and ready to take on the world. This is how I feel most days now. BUT I do still have days that I feel gross and unattractive. Even after losing the weight, some days I feel fat. Even after losing the weight, there are things I don’t like about my body. Even after losing the weight, I’m still not always happy.

Here’s an example: Then: I remember feeling gross this day. This was the weekend I hit my goal weight. Even though I should have been over the moon, I just wasn’t. I wasn’t confident about how I looked and I was feeling really weird about the whole thing.

Now: Get over yourself. To everyone else, this picture is totally normal.

But there ARE days I feel SUPER hot. Then: I feel cute today. Let’s take some pics!

Now: Look at all that extra skin. Gross

People think losing weight just makes all your other problems go away. Thin=Happy right?

Sexy=No gross days right?

Confidence=Never feeling fat right?

No! To most people these last two photos probably look the same, but how I was feeling in both photos is totally different. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR VISION.

The farther I get from my heaviest weight, the fatter I think I was. It’s so easy to lie to yourself and tell yourself it’s not that bad. It’s so easy to think, ‘it’s just a bad photo’. Bad photos exist and I think the lens that you view photos through depends on how you were feeling at that time. But photos can not lie. That is how you looked at that moment no matter what. It’s your emotions that change the way the photo seems.

January 26, 2015March 29, 2015

Nikki

This post is to one of my closest friends, cheerleader, support person and overall badass: Nikki. Happy Birthday Girl!

In May of 2013, I told Nikki I was going to try to start eating healthier and that I wanted to lose maybe 50 pounds. When you’re morbidly obese, everyone knows you talking about dieting every now and then and tell those around you you’re going to try. The response from most is just a passing “ok” with the added feeling of “yeah right” behind it. But Nikki didn’t make me feel this way. Right away she offered advice as she was naturally a better eater than I was. She would comment that my pants were getting loose even when I didn’t believe her myself.

That’s the number one thing I love about Nikki: No Judgement. Ever. I never feel judged by her or looked down upon. She is one of the best people I’ve ever met.

Over that summer I lost 30 – 40 pounds and returned to work in the fall. Nikki and I didn’t see each other much that summer since we both travel, work and enjoy every last second of our summers. When we got back to work, she jumped on the band wagon. We started having ‘pot luck style’ lunches where we and a few friends would bring different things for lunches that week. She would force me to try new things that I didn’t even know I liked. Where would I be without her encouraging me to eat hummus or black bean burgers? My life would be so sad! We would check in and talk about our weight and what sucked that week. Since we were under the same stress it was really easy to counsel each other.

That January I joined my gym. She joined too! They were running a groupon so she bought one and would come workout with me in the beginning. She quickly found that my gym wasn’t her style, but since we had started together, I could always talk to her about what was going on at the gym. She started running, biking and 5k training while I worked on strength and cardio. That spring, we both got new jobs.

We still make it a point to get together and we still check in about our weight and how things are going. We love to go to a local vegetarian restaurant where she turned me on to THE BEST bean and quinoa burger EVER. We’ve ran a 5K together and are running a 7K together in March. She constantly reminds me how much of an inspiration I am for her, but she’s just as big for me.

Nikki is an amazing Mom. When I’m at her house, I hope to be the kind of parent that she is. Not only is she finding time for herself and her health, but she models those healthy choices for her son Will and her hubby. She’s also an amazing teacher and advocate for her students. She’s involved with galleries all over town and is often looking for charities and causes to support. So while Nikki thinks I’m the support for her, it’s really the other way around! I think you’re amazing in everything you do. So the HAPPIEST of birthdays to my kick-ass friend. You go girl!

January 25, 2015March 29, 2015

A New Yardstick

Lately the switch from losing weight to maintenance has been really difficult. I’ve been feeling less sexy, confident and proud of what I’ve accomplished. THIS IS NOT a ploy to get tons of compliments of how good I look in this post’s comments. It’s just the truth. My hubby and I were discussing it last night and he helped me figure out part of it.

I’m addicted to the numbers on the scale.

I would get excited every morning to get on the scale. I’d step on and see the lower number I was hoping to see and I would feel PROUD. I’d fist pump the air and think about how awesome I was. This would be the height of most days. Seeing your hard work pay off is such an emotional high!

Now when I get on the scale in the morning, I’m hoping to see the same number. I keep coming back to this. I know I should see the same number. The doctor told me not to lose more weight. I am actually NOT wanting to see it go down. So I get on and think, great, I ate enough yesterday. No fist pump. No rush of awesomeness. Just……ok good.

So much of my ‘awesomeness factor’ was tied to seeing the number go down. I thought I wasn’t so bad or addicted to the numbers, but now that I don’t have them, I’m feeling lost. It’s the easiest way to measure your health and fitness right? If the number goes down, you made the right choices. What do I measure by now? My abilities in fitness change so slowly that over time it’s hard to feel like you’re getting better. It could take me another 6 months to be able to meet my pull up goal. It’s too cold to hike my first 14er or start marathon training.

I know in the spring it will be a lot easier to measure my fitness when I’m training for a half marathon. I will be able to literally measure how far I can run. Right now though……I feel lost. I know it should be a great relief to not be buying new pants every month and have met my goal weight. But I just……don’t. I don’t think I need to lose more weight and I’m really happy with my fitness level……..what’s my new yardstick?

January 1, 2015

Redos and Resolutions

Happy New Year Everyone!

I love the New Year because it is just the perfect opportunity to do something new, to try something again, to forget a failure and set new goals!

Last night, we went out with some friends for the traditional crazy-confetti cannon-commotion of New Year’s Eve. Similar to my Halloween post, I wanted to find a tiny dress to wear because I COULD. I didn’t get any good photos of how tiny this dress was but I’m sure you can imagine. I felt so sexy, so confident, so NORMAL to go out for NYE. We went to an 80’s themed party where all the music and outfits were 80s. It was so much fun dancing the night away. I think I danced for HOURS straight based on the way my legs feel today.

All night I kept seeing women that I knew were uncomfortable in their outfit choice. You know what I mean. Either their outfit was too small for their figure and they couldn’t dance. Or they didn’t have the figure to wear something sexy which leaves you feeling awkward. I have been this girl SO MANY times that I recognize it instantly. It was awesome to not only be able to wear a tiny dress but to dance the night away and not think twice about it.

Resolutions

This year I’ve decided not to make any resolutions except to my husband. Every year we write letters to each other on New Years Eve and read them on New Years Day. We make promises to each other about what we would like to do better for the other person. I’m not going to make any of the normal resolutions. Not because I don’t have anything I want to change (my weight was only one area of my life that needed taken care of!) but because I don’t feel like I need to! My self drive and motivation is stronger than ever and I know I’ll be able to accomplish what I want to do this year. Plus, I already set new physical goals for the year.

The New Year is a great marker for anyone ready to start a journey. Don’t forget, you don’t have to tell anyone you’re doing it! Some people need a circle of support before they begin, others build theirs as they go. There is a lot of pressure to start a new healthy lifestyle at the beginning of the year and you can find tons of others at the beginning of their journey too. But now is the best time to purchase diet plans, a scale, diet books, exercise equipment and even exercise clothes. All stores run deals on health related products at the beginning of the year. So now is the best time to start if you’re just beginning!

I found my gym, Cole Fusion Fitness, on this very day last year. I was just browsing Groupon for what gyms were offering deals and one that looked like what I wanted. On January 2nd, I went in and saw the gym and joined. Don’t forget to check local gyms for deals! A lot of ‘chain gyms’ offer no registration fees or even free months right now. So even if you decide it’s not for you later, it’s still the best time to try! If you don’t know Groupon, you should! Check it out. Click the picture!

Another great place to find local fitness deals is Living Social. It works just like Groupon if you are familiar with that. I often register for 5Ks and events through Living Social. Sometimes the two sites have the same deals but not always so it’s worth a look at both sites. If you are just starting out, I would suggest one of these deals. It’s a great way to try a few places or different style classes and then decide if you want to commit. Just go for it!

If you are nervous about joining a gym or fitness class, check out this old post: Gym Goggles.

In the last year, I’ve become the person I always knew I could be both physically and emotionally. This could be your year! On New Year’s Eve 2015, what will you see when you look back through this year? Will you see missed opportunities or that you took control of your life? Will you be happy with the decisions that you made or disappointed for another year? You can do this!

December 31, 2014December 31, 2014

Makeover Madness

About a month or two ago, a friend approached me at the gym. Angela Way, who is a local cosmetologist and gym buddy, wanted to treat me to a makeover at her salon, Apparenza Salon. She was so inspired by my story and journey that she wanted me to have the Hollywood experience of getting a head to toe new look. I put it off for a while, not expecting her generousity to come to fruition, and it seemed to good to be true.

Well a few days ago she had a cancellation and wanted to do my makeover before the New Year. I had NO idea what I was in store for. I agreed to let her make all the decisions and just go with it. I tend to over control my life and I knew this would be difficult for me but an awesome experience. So I decided to let go and sit in the chair!

Before:

I have been growing my hair for a long time and had gotten to the point where I didn’t really care about it anymore. If I can put it in a pony tail, I’m good. I’ve never been a girly girl and find it easy to not care about things like hair and makeup. She told me the colors she was thinking any why. I said, “Sounds great!” and then she made the first cut.

I’m panicking a little at this point because my hair has been so long for so long but I go with it! Now it’s time for color. Wow. I have only had my hair colored at the salon once or twice. Some of you ladies put a lot of work into this! I had no idea how much time was necessary! I got two colors of highlights:

And then dye all over. Not a speck of my old hair left!

At this point I’m excited for it to be done! The whole process took four hours! I couldn’t believe that Angela took four hours of her own time when she could have been doing other clients, to spend with me. We talked about my journey and I was able to share a little with a few other clients in the salon.

The results! Before I post the picture, I first wanted to express my gratitude! The work that Angela did was TOP NOTCH and to have ‘earned it’ with my incredible story is unbelievable. I still can’t believe that this happened to me! I now feel like a movie star and everyone should know who I am. I’m SUPER excited to go out for New Year’s Eve tonight in my tiny little dress and new super hot hair.

Thank you Angela for your work, dedication and generosity. I promise to pay it forward ten-fold! Also, thank you to Apparenza Salon here in Denver for the incredible afternoon.

***Of course I’m in my gym clothes because that’s how I feel the most Sexy!

I feel like I haven’t known what I look like for the last year. Now I keep passing mirrors and have NO idea who that person is. Again, no matter what I look like on the outside, I hope you can see how much I’ve changed on the inside because that is what really counts.

To the gym for a New Year’s Eve workout!

Tomorrow: New Year’s resolutions and pics of the tiny dress!

December 29, 2014

Clothes For Christmas

One of the biggest differences I saw in my presents from previous years to this year was that lots of people gave me clothes! As an overweight person, people tend not to give you clothes as gifts. I think this is for a few reasons. Most people probably don’t want to guess your size and accidentally offend you by it being too small or too large. Which in my case, they were usually too small.

Another reason is that not all stores carry plus sizes. So to get a pair of yoga pants for everyone you know, would require a separate trip to a separate store to get something for someone who is plus size. Most 2X’s in the store would not fit me at my heaviest weight. I needed a 2X from a plus size store. To someone who has been shopping regular sizes their whole life, this is a totally foreign concept. They might not even realize that there’s a difference.

Another reason is because overweight people don’t really request clothes which would require having to give their size. My mom would often give me and my sister similar gifts for Christmas, a like a nice pair of pajamas. She would have to ask my husband what my size was, who would guess, and they would never fit. I remember a particular Christmas she wanted to get us luxurious jammies from Victoria Secret. Nothing from the entire store would fit me so she went to a plus size store. My sister ended up with a cute, silky and sexy PJ set. I ended up with a rhinestone sleep shirt/dress. Now this was not my mom’s intent. She just wanted to get us something we would never get for ourselves. But this is a perfect example of how shopping for plus size people is super difficult, especially if you’ve never been plus size. I ended up returning the jammies that year for something else.

So most people just play it safe and give you a scarf or a book. I have more scarves and books than I could ever use! (Good thing I love both!)

But this year I got all kinds of cute new things! Almost everything fit and a few things were actually too big! I had requested a few shirts for the gym and a nice sweatshirt. There is a brand, let’s call them…….The South Face, that always has super cute sweatshirts. You see them all the time around Denver. They are a great brand but their sizes run small. If I’m a Medium in everything else, I’m a large with them. Large is their largest size as well. So it was kind of a weird goal of mine to be able to own and wear one of these sweatshirts! Santa left it under the tree!

I feel like the gifts you receive for Christmas is the image of yourself you’ve put out into the world. My husband is pretty reserved with his coworkers and friends in life. He ended up with coffee from almost everyone he knew because that’s the image he’s created for himself. I got all sorts of fitness and health orientated things! So that tells me that’s what people see in me now. That’s what they know I enjoy and want to be a part of.

If you forgot to send a gift……….I need new running shoes! Size 10. Must be cute.

December 28, 2014December 28, 2014

I’m 30.

Well it’s finally here. A day that I hoped would never come but I always knew it would; today I turn 30. While there is a giant list of things I was hoping/wishing to do before I hit 30, I’m choosing to focus on all the things I DID accomplish before 30.

Of course I did all the things you’re supposed to do: married the man of my dreams, moved away, went to college, started a career…… but of course what I’m most proud of is that I got healthy and fit.

I was expecting to wake up and feel older than I did yesterday. I know it’s silly but you expect to FEEL different. Well this morning I woke up with all kinds of pops and aches. For a brief second I thought I was ‘feeling my age’ and 30 had arrived to schmack me in the face! Then I remembered yesterday’s workout which was brutal and definitely the reason I’m sore today.

While there are thousands of things I wish I could have done before hitting 30, I’m SO glad I decided to take care of my health. How many people, women especially, can wake up on their 30th birthday the happiest and healthiest they have ever been? I can do things now that I never thought I could do.

I have run two 5K’s.

I attend the gym 4 times away without question and have melted my body fat down to 19%!

I lost 130 pounds for crying out loud.

Most women are hoping to get back into their wedding dress someday.

I’m hoping mine never fits again.

Most women lie on their driver’s license.

Mine is 30 pounds over my actual weight.

Some women are still looking for the love of their life and I already have mine.

So although I’m sad to be in a new decade and say goodbye to the last year, at least I’m the best I’ve ever been! 29 was the best year of my life and I still have many milestones to go. So to repeat what I have said before, (I feel like a broken record lately but apparently someone out there needs to hear it, because I keep needing to say it!) DO IT NOW. Do it for yourself and DO IT NOW. The time is going to pass anyway. I had to turn 30 regardless of how I looked, felt or thought about it. 30 came quicker than I thought it would and I’m so glad I made the commitment a year and half ago to do something about my health. Your next milestone is coming, don’t you want to be the best you’ve ever been?

Here’s to another amazing year!