Self Image

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Today I’m thinking about a difficult subject: self image.  When you go though a drastic change like I did not only do you change on the outside, but how you see yourself from the inside changes as well.

I always thought my self image was healthy when I was at 290 pounds.  I thought I was pretty and was generally fine with how I looked.  I was not in denial about my size or that I was overweight.  But as I got healthier I saw how bad myself image really was.  I’ve always loved myself and found success in life but my thoughts were often dark.  If someone saw me eating Taco Bell in my car, I’d just assumed they thought how fat and gross I was.  Who knew what they were really thinking, but that is what I assumed.  When a thin girl would make eyes at my husband and then look at me, I always thought she was thinking, how did such a cute guy end up with such a fat girl?  I knew I was overweight and felt like there was a thinner person trapped in my body sometimes.  When I would see pictures of myself, I would think I was huge but that’s not really me.  What I expected to see in the mirror was never what I saw because that’s never how I felt inside.

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As I started to drop weight, I still struggled with my self image.  All of the sudden how I felt inside is what I looked like on the outside.  While this was very excited it was scary at the same time. People started treating me differently, especially men.  It was hard to start wearing clothes that actually showed my body (skinny jeans!) that I thought I’d been hiding for so long.  It made me feel very vulnerable to ‘reveal’ my body even though people could see it the whole time.  What if someone made a snide comment or laughed? (This never happened) For me, my self image was linked to my outer image during this time.  I loved being flirted with or people commenting how good I looked at work.

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Now that I’m almost to healthy weight, I feel like my self image is not as linked to my outer image.  I have found that I’m happy with the person I’ve become on the inside.  If someone sees me eating Taco Bell in the car, now I think “I worked for this taco! Maybe YOU should get to the gym!” I still don’t really know what I look like on the outside.  Some mornings I wake up and think I’m still morbidly obese and then I remember.  Even this morning I went to put on my skinny jeans and thought, “There’s no way these are going to fit!” and yet they do.  I think my self image and outer image have almost caught up with each other.  I’ve been doing a lot of studying about diet, the evolution of eating, self image issues with women and find it helpful to understand the underlying issues with our society that are effecting us all.

Awesome Moms

Sometimes I feel very fortunate that I have so much time to focus on my own goals.  I know a lot of you have kids and struggle to balance both.  I would never claim to know what that’s like!  However, I do know that there are mothers out there killing it! It can be done.

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My sister is a stay at home mom and home schools her children.  All my life I’ve envied her for being built like our father.  She’s tall, thin and beautiful!  I just always assumed she was naturally this way.  However, now that fitness and health are more a part of our conversations, I realize she works hard to look how she does.  From what I know, she’s never struggled too much with her weight.  However she does work to maintain how she looks.  She does crossfit videos, stays active with her kids, runs and takes care of the house and kids.  Amazing!

My friend at work, Nikki has a four year old boy.  She joined me on my journey this past school year to get healthier.  At first it was difficult for her to find the time to add fitness into her routine.  I know she experienced a lot of guilt for taking the time away from the family.  However, as she dedicated some time here and there, she found she had even more to give to her family when she got home to them.  She also found ways to incorporate her family into workouts such as playing at the park or dance parties. She’s now a short distance runner and adding years to her life with her family.

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When I look back at my childhood, I don’t think it was too active or health focused. (sorry Mom!) I watched my mom yo-yo diet and exercise and be self-conscious about her appearance.  We ate at mostly at home and had our own garden. Where I struggled was balance.  No one taught me it’s ok to have a milkshake if ____________ or desserts are for _________.  These were lessons I had to learn that hard way.  In the recent past, I’ve noticed some super moms out in public. Recently I was walking my dog in the park in the morning.  I came across a Mom pushing one kid in a stroller and another was walking.  As I passed she said, “Ok.  Let’s race to the dumpster down there and the we will go have lunch.” They ran the whole way laughing and racing.  I thought to myself, not only is she incorporating her children into her workout, she’s teaching them that exercise comes hand in hand with eating.  Several months ago I saw a mom at IKEA that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. During this time I was really struggling with answering the question, why am I fat?  So I’d already been thinking about my childhood and my models for health.  She had two kids with her, a boy and a girl.  At our IKEA they have a super cool escalator/moving sidewalk thing.  The mom and girl headed for the stairs while the boy headed for the escalator.  The mom said, “Remember we have to use the stairs if you want to have ice cream.” The boy thought about it and then chose the escalator.  When he got to the bottom, his sister was teasing him that he couldn’t have ice cream.  Even though it wasn’t obvious or explained, that mom was teaching her kids balanced eating.

So, to wrap up, I don’t know how mom’s do it but it CAN be done.  Go for it moms! Think about what you’ll be giving back to your children by getting yourself in a healthy state!

Food for Fuel

Successful weight loss requires a shift in how you think about food.  Food has its place for holidays, events and special occasions.  Although food should not be entertainment.  The entertainment should be the company.  As your body cleanses itself of sugars and fats, it will need fuel to keep going. Until now your body has been functioning ‘the best it can with what you’re giving it’ now train to run the very best it can!

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Fuel Your Body

This shift in focus in difficult at first.  What does your body need in order t do what you want it to do? I put my body through a rigorous fitness routine and it needs lots of protein to stay healthy.  Without protein, my muscles are unable to repair themselves and are sore.  Some bodies need more fiber or certain vitamins. It’s important to LISTEN to your body and feed it’s needs. It’s also important to get regular blood work done with your doc in case there are any gaps in your nutrition. I would recommend at least an initial consultation with a nutritionist or dietician. P.S. The more you talk about weight loss, the more people you’ll meet who give you free advice, ie. woman I met in line at Whole Foods that happened to be a nutritionist. Back to the point.

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But it’s so yummy!

I am not trying to say you can’t enjoy your food.  While dieting I think it’s essential that you find food you love to eat. Some meals I definitely eat because I want to not because I need to.  However, when asking my body to do the things I do, it asks that I give it something in return. When I need protein, I try to eat the yummiest protein dish I can think of. When I need something light, I eat a salad.  When I binged on candy at the movies the night before, I eat extra light and sugarish free. Try to start thinking about what your body needs, not just what your head wants as much as possible. As your body ‘detoxifies’ from sugars and fats you will learn how your body feels when it’s healthy.  When I wake up in the morning, I can usually tell if I’ve eaten way to much sugar or grease.  It’s amazing when you’re listening what you can hear.

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Food Obsessed

One thing that has never gone away during my journey is thinking about food.  I don’t consider myself a food addict or an emotional eater.  I was a pleasure eater.  I still am.  Some days I don’t think about food at all until it’s time to eat.  Somedays I don’t find food interesting at all and have to force myself to eat what my body needs.  Other days though……..I’ve planned my meals before I get out of bed.  If I am dying to have reverse chicken nachos from Illegal Petes (shout out! YUM!) then I plan my day to make sure I can eat those nachos and it won’t throw me off track.  I make sure my stables like carbs, protein and sugars are on track in my other meals to cover what I might miss during dinner.

I think it’s ok to think about food and eat for pleasure AS LONG as you’re listening to your body and paying attention to its needs!

 

PS – For those wondering since yesterday’s post, I dropped those two pounds and was back to my expected weight this morning.  Moral of the story: Sometimes the scale goes up for no reason.  Keep making good choices and it will level out.

 

 

When The Scale Goes Up

This morning I woke up and got on the scale like normal.  I was shocked to see a two pound gain!  Today I’m going to share what goes through my head when this happens and then what logical thoughts are!

Yesterday I was unable to get to the gym for my usual boxing class so I had been super careful on my calories since I wouldn’t be burning as many.  Therefore I expected to see a consistent number from the day before.  When I saw two pounds up I was heartbroken.  EVEN AFTER 14 MONTHS OF DIETING, I still have to talk myself off the ledge when this happens.

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Kim’s Brain

Kim’s brain can be a very confusing and scary place.  When I see unexpected weight gain, my first thought is “How can I get rid of this?” Although I’ve been ‘dieting’ and retraining my body and mind of over a year now, my first thoughts are still unhealthy.  I have a very addictive personality and have struggled with eating disorders in the past. I often get disappointed in myself that this is the first place my brain goes but I’m starting to realize that maybe that’s just who I am.  As long as I’m not acting on those thoughts, I’ve still made a healthy decision.  Those demons may never totally go away but they seem quieter these days.  So what does Kim’s brain say?  Missing the gym one time equals gaining two pounds! Do 6 hours of cardio today, go buy water pills, eat less today or skip a meal. None of these are healthy choices!

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Logical Brain 

Now, as I’m standing on the scale thinking what might of happened and all these unhealthy thoughts enter my brain, I have to talk myself off the ledge.  My logical brain knows why this probably happened.  You can be PERFECT with your calories and see the scale go up a little.  You never know what’s going on inside your body.  Maybe it needed something that it usually doesn’t.  Maybe you drank less water or are retaining water.  The point is that weight fluxuates according to each person.  I know, for myself, my weight is consistent if I weigh myself at the same time of day everyday.  Some people might not experience this.  Maybe only count official weight loss on a certain day of the week.

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Victory

One of my biggest issues with seeing the scale go up is letting it effect my whole day.  Your confidence and attitude can not be linked to the scale or you will be unhappy your entire journey. I am always having to remind myself how to measure failure.  Is two pounds gained a failure? I guess it depends.  Gaining two pounds when I made all good decisions the day before is not a failure.  Gaining two pounds because I ate a whole pizza and a 2 liter of soda is a failure, but only for that day.  Waking up at my heaviest weight ever is a failure, not just one morning.

Pig Out!

Every once in a while everyone just needs a good pig out. Here are some good options when you’re feeling like an endless pit of hunger. (Especially for the ladies…..you know what I’m talking about) These snacks sometimes have 2 or 3 servings in the whole bag. Eating to excess is not regularly a good thing, but sometimes we all need it. When you do, try one of these products. Again, I do not get endorsed by any product, I just think these are especially yummy!

Salty Snacks

akc-vpbp012Boom Chicka Pop – This popcorn comes in several flavors, my favorite being White Cheddar.  They range from 35 to 70 calories PER CUP!  So grab a bag of this for your next movie night instead of movie theater butter.

 

 

smartfood-delightSmartfood Delight – Again, a delicious popcorn for very few calories!  At 35 calories a cup, there’s no shame in having a third of the bag! Bring this to your next football get together to give yourself something to eat regardless of what the host puts out.

 

 

lightlysaltedSnapea Crisps – My hubby loves these and will regularly eat a whole bag in one sitting.  They come in several flavors: light salted, caesar (our fave!), black pepper, and wasabi ranch. They also come in lentil version with flavors like tomato basil and onion thyme. I know they might not sound yummy but if my hubby will eat them, they definitely are! 110 calories per serving and just over two servings per bag.

 

 

13327618_201307191112Special K Cracker Chips – These also come in tons of flavors like sea salt, cheddar, sour cream and onion, honey barbecue, chili lime and southwest ranch. 110 calories for 27 chips!  These really feed my need for potato chips with very little consequence.

 

 

Sweet Snacks

kicproductimage-128828_k109680002_fp.pdf399-1404138620084100 Calorie Packs – These come in every variety under the sun by several different companies.  Some popular stores even have their own version.  I love these because they are preportioned for control.  That way you CAN have cookies but not obsess about a package of oreos in the cabinet. My favorite: Mini fudge stripes

 

 

skinny-cow-candy-couponsSkinny Cow Candy and Ice Cream – These are not extremely low in calorie and you shouldn’t eat the whole box.  However, this is a much better option than full sugar candy or ice cream.  They are just as delicious with about half the calories of the real thing.  Again, there are tons of different varieties all available at your local supermarket.

 

 

471-107650Sugar Free Popsicles or Fudgesicles – These are delicious in the summer time!  They are 40 calories a piece and you can have more than one.  Check you’re local store for flavors and store brands that are even less expensive than name brand.

 

Amusing Changes

This weekend my hubby and I went to Heritage Square Amusement Park for his company picnic. I have not been to an amusement park in several years.  I wasn’t able to ride the rides the last time we went so I basically avoided them after that.  I convinced myself I didn’t really enjoy it anyway.  WE HAD SO MUCH FUN.

imageI could ride any ride I wanted!  The first thing we did was the zip-line.  I read online that it had a weight limit of 250 pounds that I never would have qualified for before! I did not see the weight limit posted near the ride. While we were standing in line, I was ‘sizing up’ those around me and curious if they would meet the requirement.  There was a scale to get on in front of everyone to prove your weight.  No one else could see the number but it was still nerve racking. Before, I would have stood in that line with my stomach in knots thinking about the humiliation of being asked to step to the side. A girl several people in front of us stepped on the scale and didn’t make the cut.  She was clearly embarrassed.  I wanted to comfort her so bad!  How many of us have been there?  The only thing holding me back from the zip-line this time was fear of peeing my pants!

imageAfter the zip-line which I lived through despite what my brain was saying, we did the Alpine Slide.  The slide is a half mile down the mountainside on a tiny sled.  While this ride did not have any health requirements, I’m not sure I could have done it before.  You had to take a chairlift to the top of the foothill then walk straight uphill for maybe 100 feet.  I would have been exhausted before getting to the top.  I had never done anything like this and was super excited.  You control your speed as you slide down the mountain on a tiny blue slide.  I’m not sure my body would have fit in the slide before.  It was thrilling!

imageAfter the slide we rode a few typical carnival rides like The Scrambler and the Tilt-a-Whirl.  I found it so easy to hop in and out of all the rides.  On the scrambler, whomever is on the outside inevitably get squished due to physics.  I was worried about squishing my hubby, but he looked right at me and said “You’re 120 pounds lighter.  I’m sure it will be fine.” We comfortably fit in all the rides and laughed out butts off.

imageThe last thing I wanted to do was an obstacle maze.  It looked like my dream of American Warrior Ninja.  I wasn’t sure how strong I had become or what I could do. Since there was a safety harness, I tried to do every obstacle without grabbing the harness and depending on my balance and core to carry me across.  With the exception of the tight rope, I made every obstacle.  My grip strength gave out by the end but it was amazing to run around with all the kids and do strength obstacles.  While I was on a particularly hard one a young girl got really scared in front of me and started crying for her mom.  I got her across the obstacle and out of the maze to her mother.  I found myself wondering, why wouldn’t her mom come in with her? When I got her out of the maze I knew why.  Her mother was overweight and didn’t seem very fit.  How much more fun would that little girl have gotten to have WITH her mom if she could have been there? I’m so happy that I’ll be able to DO these things with my kids, not just watch from the sidelines!

It was overall an awesome day.  Once again I couldn’t believe how much my weight was taking out of my life that I didn’t even consider.  Last year at this time, my hubby and I could have never done this together.  We would have missed out on so much fun and laughter together. We ended the day exhausted and happy. In the past just walking around would have exhausted me but this time it was from doing so many things and creating so many memories.

Today I challenge you to make a list of a few things you want to be able to do .  Maybe it’s walk a trail with your dog or visit an amusement park.  What is something that’s difficult to do now that you want to be able to do?

 

Surprise Yourself

Today I accomplished my last fitness goal that I set 14 months ago at the beginning of my journey to heath. I ran a mile around City Park without stopping! (thanks to the support of my friend Nikki Sandschaper!) My body probably could have done the work several months ago but I had a huge mental block about being able to check it off my list.

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Being able to surprise yourself or meet a goal that you set is so rewarding.  Set small goals that you know you can do as well as big goals for the long time future.  Success at small things leads to success at the big things.

This morning I surprised myself yet again on how strong I am and what I can do.  So my challenge to you is: Do something today you didn’t know you could do. Surprise yourself in some way today to inspire healthier choices in the future.  Maybe it’s a fitness goal.  Maybe it’s go to your favorite restaurant but skip the appetizer. Do something today you didn’t know you could do! Show yourself how strong you can be!