Posted on

Skinny Skin

Well the time has finally come.  I can’t wait any longer to find out about my loose skin and possibly having surgery.  So yesterday, I made my skin surgery consultation.  On April 14th, some doctor is going to look at me naked and he gets to judge in a 20 minute meeting whether I’ve done enough work to have it removed.  And it sounds…..terrifying.  So today, I’m going to just lay it out all out there for the whole world to see.

My Skin 

Part of the reason I didn’t lose weight sooner is because I didn’t want to know about my skin.  I knew I had done irreparable damage to my skin by carrying so much extra weight.  I also carried most of my weight in my stomach in a way that I knew would never shrink back.  Here we are, three years later, more than 150 pounds lost, and the skin……….it ain’t coming back.

There are lots of places that no one would ever know.  My arms and my legs are rarely noticed in regular clothes.  Every once in a while a student or small child will look at my aged stretch marks and think I’ve been burned at some point in my life.  I’m also thankful my face looks mostly normal.  Although the entire shape of my face changed, the skin seemed to have enough elasticity left to snap back.  Not all areas did this. 98% of the people I know or meet in the average day would never guess that I lost nearly 60% of my body weight.  There are very few people left in my life that have known me for my whole journey.  So most people don’t know.

Just the other day someone was talking to me about my weight loss and how good I look.  I made the usual comment: “Well it’s great to wear small clothes but you’d never want to see me naked.” Her response was the typical, “Who cares!  You look great!”

Answer: I DO.  I care.

Maybe no one else on the planet cares what I look like naked.   The husband has never once complained even though I think it’s gross.   Only a handful of people ever see me without clothes on, like at the gym when I weigh in,  but even there I’m in my bra and underwear which is a different story.  I feel confident down to my underoos around most people.  So that’s why I’m posting this photo.  I know that some weight loss stories post naked pics but this is the best I can do.  It still covers a lot of my biggest problem areas but gives you an idea:

_MG_0004

My Reasons

I always planned on having skin surgery when my weight loss was complete.  There was a period of time when I thought I could just live with it.  In the past 6-12 months I’ve realized, 100% I want it off.  I still worry that it’s vain and that it’s selfish to have such an expensive surgery.  So again, I’ve made my reasons into a convenient list!

Weight Class

I recently had my first sanctioned fight in the ring as a boxer. Read about it here. I had to weigh in in my bra and underwear, which I’m pretty used to.  Read about that…. here! My weight class was 141.  I really struggled to get there but then during the stress and training the week before, I dropped too much weight.  I weight in at 136 on weigh in day.   This is not good.  You want to weigh in as close to the top of your class as you can.  When I stepped into the ring, I was down to 134 from the stress of the day.  So I fought against someone weighing at minimum 7 pounds more that me.  Plus I’m not accounting for my extra skin.  If my extra skin weighs, I don’t know, 8 pounds, my muscle mass and body composition is really that of someone who weighs in the 120s.  To box someone that is 141 when you’re more like 125?  That’s a huge difference and I could feel it in her punches.  So I have to go to the doctor and find out what is an appropriate weight for me to compete at and if it’s even really safe for me with all my extra skin.  If he says I have 10+ pounds of extra skin (seems unlikely) it might not be safe for me to box at all.

_MG_0006

Too Much Work

I have put in so much work over the last three years.  I’ve trained for half marathons, boxing, obstacle racing and rock climbing.  I can do 100s of situps without thinking about it but…….it still looks like I have a belly.  My extra skin creates the illusion of fat to the public.  I know I have a 6 pack under all that flab and it’s so sad that I can’t see it.  It also makes it really difficult to calculate my body fat so I’ve stopped trying. It’s like taking an action figure and covering it in marshmallow fluff.  I’ve got a rocking body in there somewhere……. While I realize this point is quite vain, I’m ok with that.  I’ve put in too much work to still look……like this.

Old Age 

I have a friend at work who is also looking into some skin surgery so we have been comparing notes.  We have discussed the guilt that comes along with a surgery like this.  They aren’t cheap.  It feels really selfish to spend all that money on the gym and then want to spend even more on a surgery.  So I had a heart to heart/devil’s advocate discussion with my husband.  I had him try to convince me it was the right decision.  One of his biggest selling points that I had never thought of is, What happens when I get old?

ALERT: Mention of lady parts coming.  Men should stop reading here! Lol. 

images

As of right now, the extra skin from my belly hangs past my hip bones and even to (if not past) my lady region. I’ve been lucky to avoid a lot of the irritation and infections I’ve heard of some people getting.  I have loose skin EVERYWHERE.  Everywhere.  But what happens when I get old?  My entire body points down now and I just turned 31.  There’s no hope going forward really!  Old lady boobs? Check!  Hanging belly skin? Check! Saggy butt? Check!  Saggy thighs? Check! These problems are just going to get worse and worse as I age and could result in actual medical issues going forward.

MEN MAY BEGIN READING AGAIN HERE! 

I feel really awkward about this post.  Some people will never understand what it’s like.  I feel vain and selfish for even discussing it, knowing there’s so many out there that are just struggling to loose the weight.  But the unknown of my skin was something that stalled me in the past.  Hopefully someone reads this and realizes it’s still worth it no matter what.  I hate my skin.  I love my body.  I’ll never forget what it was like to be obese because I still carry the sack of who I used to be around with me everyday.  But I’d never go back.  I’ll take this gross old lady body every single day for the rest of my LONG life than live one more day like I did before.

 

 

 

Posted on

The Golden Gloves

If you follow my personal Facebook page, you already know the outcome of my fight.  I lost.  Totally lost.  But there were so many other victories along the way that I’m trying to focus on all the positive outcomes of this week and all the things I learned.

_MG_0013

The Fight

The actual fight was harder than I thought it would be.  I didn’t know it at the time, but I was matched with someone with a lot more experience than me.  But that’s how the tournament works.  You face who you face and that’s all that matters.  It’s hard to write about it.  Parts of being in the ring still feel like a dream.  The schedule was so full that everything was rushed.  It felt like I didn’t have one second to prepare myself.  I remember turning to Jameson and saying, “Is it really right now?” and then the bell went off.  In some ways I remember every moment of the fight.  In other ways, I don’t at all.  I’ve watched the video now but I still haven’t matched my memory to what actually happened.

_MG_0046 (1)

 

IMG_6694Right Afterward

I made it three rounds.  It felt awful.  I had lost.  I bled.  I had failed.  It felt horrible.  Even now I can feel the exact moment I lost and knowing I’d lost.  And I’d done it in front of some many people that I know and love.  I’d failed everyone.  It feels awful to lose and I’d never felt it quite like that before.  I cried. That’s pretty much how I felt the whole rest of the night.  And then I ate some cookies.

IMG_6693

The Next Morning 

The next morning I felt a little relief about it.  I found out how much experience that girl had had.  I was trying not to beat myself up about it. Everyone was sending messages of support and love.  I didn’t look at any of the photos or videos because I just didn’t want to know.  I didn’t want to see the concrete evidence of her beating me.  Besides, I had to go to the fights again that night.  It was time to focus on them winning and not me losing. Everyone was telling me how good I did, even strangers, but on the inside I felt like I just stood there and let her punch me. I was still pretty pity party on the inside but doing the best I could.  That night one of my fellow fighters won his class.  it was awesome to be there and see it and be a small part of it.  Right after his fight, my opponent went on to win as well.  So I had lost, but I had lost to the champion.  It would have been ASTONISHING if I had beaten her.  Also, my coach and I had a discussion about if I’m fighting in the right weight class or not.  More on that later…..

 

Today 

Today is Sunday, a day I’ve been waiting for.  I knew the Golden Gloves would be over today, either way.  I knew today I could spend with my husband and eating FOOD for the first time in a while.  And today I feel really good about losing.  I used to say things like “I could never get in the ring” “I could never fight” and yet I did.  That’s a victory in itself.  My real goal all along was to box in the ring and that’s what I did.  Somewhere along the way everything turned to wanting to win because I knew I could.  After I watched the fight today, I do see that I made mistakes and there are places that I could have made the fight more even, but it was my first fight.  Everyone’s already asking if I’m going to fight again and I don’t have an answer for that yet but stay tuned!

12512408_10208114726298026_8681889783586542726_n

Today I know that I’m a fighter.  I’m a registered USA boxer and I’ve completed my first amateur bout in the Colorado Golden Gloves.  But I’m more than even just that now.  As soon as 1 year ago, the fear of getting in the ring would have crippled me.  I don’t mean that if you’re scared to get in the ring, you’re not strong.  I mean that the fear of actually doing it would have stopped me from even trying in the past.  The anxiety of the day, the stress leading up to it, the juggling of some many things, in the past it would have stopped me.  But instead I fought.  Literally and figuratively. I fought for what I wanted and won even if I didn’t win my first fight.

 

Posted on

Wait and Weight

All week I’ve been trying to balance resting, cardio, boxing and attending the fights. THANK GOODNESS I have an awesome boss who gave me the whole week off so I could focus on my training and deal with the up in the air schedule of the Golden Gloves.

 

Monday 

On Monday I knew I wouldn’t have to weigh in no matter what.   Even though I have a sub, my students have an important audition later this week so I had to pop in and rehearse them.   Also, I never had time to get them in to costumes, so I stayed and did that too.  Next thing I knew, it was almost lunch time.  So I packed up at work and went to find some lunch.  After wandering around target for what felt like FOREVER looking for food I knew I could eat, I finally settled on some low sodium lunch meat and a few side snacks.  I sat and ate my lunch outside, enjoying the sunshine.  All the while, everyone I know is texting me to find out if what my fight schedule was.  Same answer: still waiting.  Then I stopped by what I call my Sweat Gym.  For the last 6 months, there has been a handful of times that I wished I could go for a run but it was nasty outside.  Recently, I have to stick to a strict cardio schedule regardless of the weather.  So a coworker told me about her gym close to school.  I got the 3 day pass.  Of course, they offered me such a good price that I ended up joining.  It’s going to be nice having access to good equipment when I need it.  They also have a pool and sauna.  I didn’t work out, just signed paperwork.  Next thing I knew, it was time to train.

75567_621257148026575_2928845489900334044_n

I went to boxing training and did my fight week workout.  It’s still intense but in different ways and is training my mind as much as my body.  Don’t want to give out any secrets………… My coach thought it would be a good idea to attend the fights that night, even though we didn’t know anyone who was on the bout schedule.  It would be a good way to get nerves out.  After my workout I stopped by home to grab my premeasured meal and headed to the fights.  When I got there, I saw the brackets and full schedule were posted.  I was so relieved!  At least I’d have an idea of when I was fighting!!!  I even got a bye on the first round, which means my opponent will have already fought once.  I stood texting and calling my fellow fighters for about an hour, figuring out the schedule for the week. I didn’t stay for the rest of the fights because I knew I’d be back the next night.

 

Tuesday 

On Tuesday’s I do 4 am cardio. (Yes I read that in a Mean Girls voice)  I’ve been doing it for a few weeks now and recently I’ve taken it indoors for a few different reasons.  So I got up at 4 am, out the door by 4:30 and hitting it by 5:00 at the Sweat Gym. (Privately owned, swanky, they even have TVs 🙂 )  I do 45-50 minutes or so of cardio, depending on traffic because I know by 6:00 AM I need to be in the sauna if I want to have a long time to shower and putz around before I go to work.  BUT TODAY I don’t have to go to work!  I get to go weigh in my fellow fighter! So I follow the above schedule to make sure I’m on time.

I head to Starbucks to get my coffee and cram a protein shake.  I had to sit at Starbucks and send a few emails to prep everything for the day.  Then I head to the Colorado Golden Gloves Gym (CGGG) to weigh in Dawson.  I had already texted him to make sure he was at weight and on the way.  No trash bags for him, phew. (See my first weigh in experience here, next weigh in for me is Friday) The CGGG is about 30 mins away and I make it 2 seconds before him.  We go in.  He weighs.  I ask about his opponent,  we leave.  It was really quick.  Then I headed to Trader Joes and prepped all my food for the days to come.  Time to train!

Boxing training on Tuesday felt really strong.  I’m feeling really ready!  Again….no spoilers here.  Then it was time to get Dawson ready and all the gear ready for the fight.  When you are in a sanctioned fight, there are lots of pieces to consider.  There’s a long list of supplies, snacks, and equipment you need and I’m very list orientated.  So I made up a gear bag list with my coach and packed it to make sure we have everything.  That sucker is packed.  Also it eases my type A mind for when it comes time for my fight FRIDAY.  Before I knew it, Dawson was at the gym and it was time to go.

564453_1727327617502463_3000826891322924686_n

Again, I stopped at home for my preportioned meal.  I made two stops on the way to get things we forgot.  Behind the scenes of a boxing fight is very interesting and I witnessed everything first hand. I think I’ll make it it’s own post based on the length of this one. Dawson fought around 9:15 and lost in a split decision. It took me forever to get to bed.

 

Wednesday 

The plan was to get up and go to work because I didn’t have a sweat workout or weigh in to do, why not use the morning to go to work where I already have a sub? Well, I woke up to about 4-5 inches of snow and blizzard conditions.  School was closed.  There was no where to go.  No where to feel guilty about not going.  Weird.  Back to bed.

12039761_491402151061388_1325476860530666832_n

The next step in the plan was to get some equipment I needed.  Jump rope and cocoa butter Vaseline. (Essentials for a boxer, obviously!) So we got up at a normal time and headed to Target.  It was bad but not BAD outside.  I’m from the midwest.  By the time we got home however, it was really bad.  Blizzard bad.  No wonder they are calling it a blizzard!

Step three in the day: boxing training.  There was no way my car could possibly make it that far without getting stuck.  I felt horribly guilty about canceling on my trainer but I had to.  I think this was the first time ever that I’ve canceled the day of.  Later in the day, the gym was officially closed anyway!  So again, nothing to feel guilty about.  Weird. I couldn’t go if I wanted to now…

Step four in the plan was to attend the fights again.  No one from my team was fighting but the first round of my competition was so of course I’m going to attend.  In the early afternoon they cancelled the fights.  The blizzard has now shut down my whole day.  SO I was stuck in limbo again.  If they are rescheduling all the bouts from today, what does that mean for my bracket? What does that mean for the other guys going from my gym? Argh!  I had just felt some relief from knowing when I was going to fight and now everything is messy again!

 

Overall the Golden Gloves have been quite the journey.  I feel like one of those girls after she gets cut from the Bachelor but I’m learning so much about myself!  I’m better at some parts of it than I expected and worse at others.  The waiting, the lack of sleep, the workouts, the diet…….I’ll have so much to say when this is all over.  But for now Golden Gloves, I still accept this rose.

 

 

Posted on

Weigh Ins!

Yesterday I weighed in and registered for the Golden Gloves tournament! The day was quite the experience……

 

5 AM

I set my alarm for 5 am even though the weigh ins were scheduled to begin at 10 AM. I have been struggling to get to my fight weight for a while. After talking to my coach two weeks ago, he really eased my mind that the weight would come off and the more I worried about it the harder it would be. He really made me feel better about it and the weight came off. My weight class is 141 pounds. My coach was expecting 138 on the scale. This will allow me to fuel for fighting but not kick me overweight for weigh ins. I FINALLY started seeing the right numbers last week. So when I set my alarm for 5 AM, I knew I would be at weight but I got up any way just to check. If I was overweight, I’d spend the morning running on a treadmill in trash bags……..

 

I stepped on the scale and held my breath. 137.2. Not only had I made weight but I had an extra a pound just in case. So I went back to bed J

 

8 AM

At 8 I got up to meet my fellow fighters at the boxing gym. There are 5 of us going under the Touch of Sleep name. I was hoping we were all at weight and the morning would go smoothly. When I arrived, I saw one of my fellow fighters sprinting on the treadmill in three sweat suits. I was SO thankful that wasn’t me. I had prepared SO much that I made sure I didn’t have to do that and it worked. I’ve been counting every calorie and watching every nutrient to not end up in that situation. It felt good to relax and not have to worry. 8It came time to leave and we all got in the car.

 

10 AM

We got to the weigh ins early and got our places in line. I knew for sure that I was registered for the tournament but there was a problem with all the other fighters. I quickly checked in and headed to the weigh in lines. The lady took me back to the scale alone. I was nervous and excited about seeing the number. I knew I was at weight. I didn’t eat or drink anything since 7pm the night before. Before I stepped on the scale, in my bra and underwear no less, I took a deep breath. Here it was. The moment that I’d been waiting for. A whole year of training was coming down to this. I could never prove to myself or anyone else how good or hard my training was if I couldn’t make weight. I’ve never had to be a certain number for anyone other than myself. When I stepped on the scale, I almost cried. 136.5. Not only had I made weight, I had come in 4.5 pounds under.

 

**To be clear, 136.5 is not what I consider a healthy weight for me. I prefer my body at 145 or so. But this is the boxing world, it’s just how it works.

 

The woman weighing me in didn’t know anything about me. She didn’t know I used to be 290+ pounds. She didn’t know my journey or all the work I’d put in to see that number. There was no shouts of congratulations or looks of astonishment. To her, I was just another boxer trying to make weight. But I knew. I knew everything that number represented. I knew the tears, the sweat and the bruises I’d gone through to get there. Even though I’ve been officially training for a year, it’s been more like 3. It felt like the culmination of my whole journey. It was different than crossing a finish line because this time, it’s the starting line.

 

I got dressed and had my doctor check. And just like that, I’m qualified to fight. All of my fellow fighters made weight as well (even if we had to wait another hour for all of them to get through registration!)

 

The whole situation felt a little anticlimactic. I knew it wouldn’t be a celebration for me but it’s been so long coming that I couldn’t believe how fast it was over. But now the real fight begins. Each day we don’t find out who is scheduled to fight until that day. So now there’s a balancing dance between training and waiting for your fight. Will it be tomorrow? The next day? There’s no way to know…..

 

Obviously I’m really good at waiting. I love to schedule my life down to the T. I like having control of what’s going on. So instead I’m learning even more lessons about myself and my constant problem with control. It’s hard to be anxious when you don’t have anything to be anxious about. I thought I’d be a wreck but I’m doing alright with the waiting……….for now.10250102_1726232567611968_4506162408645246567_n

Posted on

Running in the EARLY Morning

Last Saturday Morning, I went on one of the hardest runs that I’ve ever experienced. with my fellow fighters from my gym.  They are all younger and well…..men.  They ran their asses off and I tried to keep up.

My coach has been expecting me to run 5 miles three times a week.  I’ve been making excuses and just trying to fit in a 5K here and 5 miles there.  After I went on the run with the boys, at which I met them at the gym at 5 AM, I realized how much more I could be pushing myself in my running. I’ve been avoiding the dreaded, the thing I always said I would never do, run in the early early morning.

25975b22d4bd29e58a9dd5a569f0401f

So this morning I did it.  Dan has been getting up to work over time at the same time I should be getting up to run.  So I got up and put on SO MANY clothes and ran 5 miles, and once again, lived to tell about it.  Here’s my thoughts in an ever so convenient list format.

No One Is Up

On a normal run in the evening, my preferred running time, I’ll see between 5 and 30 people depending on the weather.  This morning I saw two.  Two people walking their dogs.  Turns out, everyone hates being up at 5 am. Also, there’s really no traffic, so the traffic lights are less of an annoyance as they usually are and they are easier to see from far away.

 

No Food

I usually run in the late morning when I have eaten breakfast, or in the evening after many more meals and snacks.  I’ve always thought if I didn’t have enough fuel my body wouldn’t go at all.  Lately, I’ve been ill with a touch of stomach flu and knew that an empty stomach was probably the best choice for the first time.  I did it on Saturday and it was fine.  I did it again this morning and again…..it was fine.  I wouldn’t recommend this for new runners but I found that I could just go just like when I had eaten a meal.  I didn’t cramp up or anything which is what I expected.  I do get hungry but not too hungry. I wouldn’t recommend going much farther without eating.

LOTS of Clothes

When I showed up at the gym on Saturday, the boys were all wearing sweatpants but I was not really. I wore double layer, winter style gear.  They were all sweating bullets later but I was sweating normally.  So this morning I wore more clothes than I have ever worn to help me sweat but also because it was 38 degrees.  When I got back, I was very sweaty. I had to lay out my clothes all down the hallway like when you’re a kid and you’ve been playing in the snow all day.  Other people did that too, right? This said sweat and combination of clothing makes it VERY interesting to get to your keys when you get back, which are in your bra. Awesome. (Again, I would not recommend this for new runners.  Boxers only. Oh, the lots of clothes part, not the sweaty keys part)

Mario in Real Life

I made sure to choose a path that I knew and one that was lit this morning.  My clothes aren’t too bright and I didn’t know how many cars would be out.  BUT even when you run where there are street lights, there are still shadows. In those shadows lie mysteries.  At one point, I was playing a game with myself like I was a Mario character and I would avoid the shadows.  Sometimes though, the shadows were so wide that I had to step in them and it was always a mystery what would happen.  I don’t really want to wear a head light.  Maybe I could carry a really small LED flashlight? I’m not really sure yet but I think I should bring something? Also, the time is going to change soon so I really don’t know what that is going to effect either.

It Didn’t Kill Me

Once again, completing this goal did not kill me.  It’s surprising how often this is true 😉 Anyway, I thought running in the morning would be the worst thing ever.  I thought I would hate every single moment of it.  The truth is, I felt more ready for the day than I have in a really long time!  I had thought through my entire day before I had even started it.  I felt ready to take on the world.  Bring it.