Wow I really need to update that picture! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Recently my trainer and gym have been expanding their marketing and were shooting a short ‘promo’ video.
So this is basically totally bizarre for me in a way that might be hard to understand. When I look at this video, I can see that it’s me and I recognize myself, but it’s hard for me to believe that’s actually me. Who would put me in this cool video? Why aren’t I cut out?
When you spend the majority of your life in the shadows of society, it’s really weird when you aren’t anymore. When I was overweight, I wasn’t a wallflower by any means. What I mean by “shadow of society” is that no one really notices you. Men don’t look at you twice. Women dismiss you immediately. Even though everyone can see you, it’s like they never notice you. Now people see me all the time. I get the “Skinny Bitch” face all the time. ( you know what I’m talking about) Men look at me. Sometimes it’s the man with a woman ON HIS ARM that’s looking at me. (which I really freaking hate by the way).
I’ve been struggling with my identity in society for a while now (Read Here) but regardless of what ‘box’ I’m in now, it’s still weird to ME, which I think it most important. I can agree that the girl in this video looks good and fit. I agree that she doesn’t look like she has loose skin or literally lost half of her body. I can even ALMOST agree that that girl looks hot. But it still just doesn’t quite feel like me. I’m beginning to wonder if it ever will.
I’m the girl that gets cut out. I’m the girl that doesn’t have hardly any photos of her whole body for almost a decade. I’m the girl that stands in the back to hide her body from the camera. I’m the girl that would NEVER be filmed in a video. Right? Well. Apparently not. Do I have to spend equal amount of years in this body that I did in that body before it will fell like mine? That means I’ll feel normal in this body when……I’m…..50?! Let’s hope that’s not true.