I’ve crossed many finish lines in my day, both literal and metaphorical. But there’s one race that even though I’ve already won it, I’ll never cross the finish line. I might not ever see it in the distance or even know what that finish line looks like.
I’m talking about health of course. I will forever chase and have to re-evaluate what healthy means to me. I now know that food and the balance of life and activity will follow me till the end of time. Sometimes people ask: What keeps you motivated? How do you keep going?
While there is a definite ebb and flow to motivation (even mine) there has never been a time when I felt “off the health wagon”. I’ve made poor choices here and there but I’ve never thrown in the towel. Why? Because it’s only now that I realize what was actually happening to the inside of my body while I was morbidly obese. Some of you have read on this site in the past that I never thought it was all that bad. Now that I’m on the other side, IT WAS THAT BAD. I got winded and tired from walking the dog. I woke up most mornings with ‘sugar yack’ or ‘carb cloud’ and I thought it was normal.
Definitions ala Kim:
Sugar Yack: That feeling in the back of your throat that causes you to clear it over and over and over because you ate too much sugar the day before. Or it seems like your saliva it’s self is part sugar?
Carb Cloud: Much like a beer hangover, it causes you to feel sluggish and just can’t quite get going during the day, until you’ve had enough carbs again. I know you’ve been here!
These used to be daily occurrences to me. I didn’t realize that most people don’t spend their morning getting over their diet from the day before and breaking through their carb cloud. I didn’t even realize that I only felt like that BECAUSE of my food intake. I didn’t even know what I SHOULD feel like. It’s those feelings that keep my food in check. Some of you laughed out loud or knew exactly what I’m talking about with “sugar yack” and ‘carb cloud’ and I can tell you, it’s not supposed to be like that. Now I fuel my body to get it to do the things I want it to do.
I stay motivated because whether I like to admit it or not, I was staring an early death in the face. I wrote last week about choices if you haven’t checked it out, and I guess this week is too. It’s not one choice. It’s a million. Every choice I make either helps me feel proud and motivated or sad and defeated. I choose proud. I choose to do things that others can’t because that’s who I want to be. That’s what I want for myself. I know I won’t always look like this. I know I won’t always be able to deadlift over 200 pounds. I know I won’t have biceps forever and if we ever have a kid, things are likely to drastically change. However, this is who I am today, and I’m pretty proud of her and I know she will never go back to where we used to be. When you’ve been there, you know. You know there is nothing that would make you want to go backwards. I honestly don’t worry that I’ll ever be over 200 pounds again. The difference I feel now makes that ghost scarier than any horror movie I’ve ever seen.