Somedays I wonder if there will always be two of me. There’s the new me: confident, fit and outgoing and then there’s always the old me: overweight, uncomfortable and failing. In my overweight life, I had a good career and an ok marriage. I was mostly happy and pretty outgoing but part of me always knew there was more. I knew there had to be more to life: more to see, more to do and more to expect from myself. I always felt like a failure but I couldn’t figure out why: I was failing at life. I was so happy with living a half life. Part of me wonders if I would have just stayed that way…..and for how long.
Now I feel like my life is FULL. My relationships with everything are better. My marriage is better. I have so much more to give to my husband and we get so much more out of life and our time together now. I feel like my friendships are deeper and more meaningful because I have more value for myself now. My job is easier and keeping up with day to day tasks of life are easier. I feel more connected to nature and humanity as a whole. I feel like I’m doing life right now.
But somedays I think about how easy it would be to go back. Of course I have cheat days and rest day but what would it be like to give up? What would it be like to wake up as my old self? Part of me thinks this will never happen and the other half of me fears that it will. I have lived in two different worlds. I have had two different marriages. (To the same man!) I have had two lifetimes in one. So each day I still fight. I still fight that girl who wants two cheeseburgers and a side of mozzarella sticks. Some days I don’t want to go to the gym and just get it done as quick as possible. I still beat her every single day.
The easiest way to not go backwards is to remember where I came from. I 100% believe that if anyone could drop the weight and feel the difference in their body, they would do it in a heart beat. Every calorie, drop of sweat and running mile was worth it. Every. Single. One.
I wouldn’t give up anything for the person I am now or the lifestyle that I lead. Notice: I didn’t say this body. I didn’t say, I wouldn’t give up being skinny for anything. I know my weight will fluctuate as my life continues to change. I know I won’t always see this number on the scale. It’s not about being skinny. It’s about meeting my life goals and being the person I want to be, skinny was just a result. So every day, every damn day, I still beat her.