On a weight loss journey, a lot of emotional issues may arise that you haven’t noticed before. While your emotions adjust, it can expose a lot of things. Even now that I’ve lost the weight, I continually struggle with the mental side. I’m going to go back and write about a problem I was having this past winter. At the time, I was too embarrassed about it to write about it publicly or properly. Now I think is the right time.
In October/November of 2014, I was experiencing what I called ‘Rage Outs’. Most of you might think you know what I’m talking about. Most women have less control over their emotions during ‘that time’ but this was much much worse. They usually happened at the gym, strangely enough, and on rare occasion at home. Something would happen that was out of my control. That was usually the trigger. When I’m not in control, I tend to freak out. But this would be over little, seemingly insignificant things. All of the sudden, I could feel my brain go red. I could see and feel myself getting so mad that I felt ‘out of my body.’ I know the ladies know the feeling when you can see and hear yourself being ridiculous, but you can’t do anything about it.
The ‘Rage Outs’ got way worse than just PMS. I would be OUT OF CONTROL. I would hit things, throw things, scream inside till I couldn’t breathe, want to hurt myself or someone else. They would usually last about 15 minutes and then I would be exhausted but clear-minded. It was like I was two people: The Hulk and Bruce Banner and one couldn’t control the other. At first I only got them every two or three weeks. Then I was having them every week. I was embarrassed to talk to my friends and family about it so I tried a couple different things that I thought would work. First I tried just separating myself from everyone when I was about to go red. This didn’t really help. It helped me not do it publicly, but the length and frequency didn’t decrease.
I decided something must be missing that used to fill me emotionally. This year I switched from being a music teacher to being a drama teacher. While I LOVE my job, I was really missing the music. I missed playing the piano and singing all day long. So I thought maybe I was missing my creative outlet. I asked Santa for a piano for Christmas thinking it would allow me to fill that creative hole. As soon as we got the piano I printed out all my favorite songs and played for hours. I made sure to play almost everyday for a little while. At first, I thought it was working. I went an extra week without having a rage out. However, come January, it started all over again just like before. The piano wasn’t working either.
And then it happened. The Rage Out that scared me to death. Dan and I were having a fight. I can’t recall what it was about but I’m pretty sure it was about dinner or doing the dishes. I ‘raged out’ quicker than I could control or even feel it. 0 to Hulk in 2 seconds flat. There was no time to separate myself or pause the fight before I’d already lost it. I took a swing at my own husband. I’ve never ever hit him or really even wanted to. But that night I did. Even though I didn’t hit him and caught myself at the last second, I was so embarrassed. Without any discussion, I grabbed my running shoes and headed for the park. I ran two crying, yelling, furious miles before I cooled down. When I got back home, I finally admitted what had been going on and that I didn’t know what to do.
Sometimes I think the universe or God or whatever you believe is in control knows better than you do. In January, the gym I was at got a new boxing trainer, Jameson Bostic. After our first or second class together, Jameson approached me about private training sessions. I’d never thought about taking boxing as my main fitness activity. I just liked mixing it in with everything else. I felt like I was a fighter on the inside or maybe in a past life because boxing was my favorite class all week. I was hoping that taking private sessions would help my rage outs and the hubby agreed we should give it a try.
And it worked.
Ever since my first private training session, I haven’t experienced a Rage Out. In the first month of training I could feel my mind try to take me to red but I had the control to bring myself back down before going off the edge. Now I don’t even feel myself getting to that place anymore. I think it’s for a few reasons. Boxing everyday, or close to it, gives me time when it’s ok to be out of control. It’s ok to get mad and punch and yell. If you don’t give it enough sass then you’re called a sissy and sent back to your spot. It gives me time to dig out that fighter side of me and let it loose. I was worried that boxing so often would make me want to box in my real life, like it would be the solution to any problem, but the opposite has happened. Because I do get that time to be out of control, I’m able to control my emotions outside of the ring so much better.
While it is still embarrassing to write about such a lack of control over my emotions, I’m hoping there’s someone out there that’s experienced the same thing. You CAN control your rage without medication or therapy. Try fitness!