While winter still rears its ugly head around here, I’m stuck to the indoor treadmill more times than I’d like. That’s right. The dreadmill. This is because I’m a huge sissy and refuse to run outside when there’s a millimeter of ice. I’m clumsy enough on solid ground, walking slowly and not trying to make a certain pace. So I listen/watch a lot of things. Podcasts. Movies. Comedy Specials. The Bachelor. During my 8 mile run earlier this week, I watched Brittany Runs a Marathon on Prime Video. (No Amazon didn’t pay me to plug their movie platform but…ya know…if they wanted to, I’d say yes 🙂 ) I’ve had this on my watch list for months and movies are not something I typically make time for in my schedule. It’s hard for me to sit around for 2 hours doing any single thing, especially ‘nothing’ like staring at a screen. If you know me, you know this to be true.
Quick synopsis: A fat girl trains to run the NYC marathon. SHOCKER: it’s not really about running a marathon. Much like this blog has turned out not to be so much about how to lose weight, but what the losing weight did for me. She starts the movie at the doctor where she hears that she’s 45-55 pounds overweight and her BMI is too high. How many times did I hear that? But…..mine was more like 145-155 lbs. At that weight, even your doctor stops warning you about what’s going to happen if you don’t lose the weight. Everyone starts to assume that you know how fat you are and how big of a problem it is. How could I not know?
Anyway, Brittany decides that she’s going to run the NYC marathon because running is free and she can’t afford a gym. “Running is free” is a huge myth. If you are a proper runner or even a beginning runner, proper shoes, simple safety gear and some clothing are going to be a must. Although it’s cheap, it’s not free. Also, paying for a marathon is not free. Even when you’re running for a charity, I find there’s usually some sort of cost involved.
This movie was by far, hands down, one of the best to depict what it’s like to lose weight, but keep your demons. Throughout the movie, she has flashbacks of herself in the same space, but in her old body, feeling like she used to feel. I remember that feeling exactly. I still have it every once in a great while. You realize suddenly, you feel no different than you ever did. Even though the weight is gone, the fat girl isn’t. Let me tell you. That bitch is resilient. I should know, I kept all the best parts of her to drive me away from who I used to be. The further I get from that person, the more I realize the weight wasn’t physical, it was a feeling. Sometimes that feeling just creeps upon you from the shadows.
I won’t ruin the end of the movie for you but she kinda makes it and kinda doesn’t. Along the way though, she too figures out that so little of losing weight is about diet and exercise, the mind is the real trick to letting the weight go. Fact: losing weight is science and math. Fact: Your brain can still stand in the way of science and math. Something that people say about losing weight is you have to find your “why”. My why changed over my journey constantly and helped me meet short term goals. What was more important to me was “why” I had been morbidly obese to begin with. That “why” has been way harder than losing 160 pounds. Discovering that “why” has been harder than any race I’ve ever run. Healing my “why” might not happen for some time.
When Dan asked me in November if we could run the Colfax Marathon this year, I was instantly terrified. But since November, I’ve changed so much. My body could have physically run a marathon at any point over the last few years. My mind could have done it maybe last year. But my spirit? My inner voice? Without the weight of my demons, I’m ready to cross that start line. Maybe over the next 10 weeks, I’ll be able to envision crossing the finish line too.