Unfuckwithable

I have panic attacks. It’s happened since high school and sometimes occurs without warning. Sometimes I can feel it building all day. Sometimes I go months without having them and sometimes it happens a few times in a week. It’s been 6 months since I’ve had one, till a few weeks ago.

Sometimes I’m triggered into an attack when I’m already overwhelmed and over stressed. Sometimes it’s more emotional. Since my anxiety branches from trauma, feelings that remind me of that time can also pull me into an attack. This time it was only four words from Dan.

It’s hard for me to be vulnerable. I don’t trust easily and I am hard to get to know. I’m much more likely to keep you at arms length than let you into my wolf pack. I don’t maintain a lot of close friendships and usually only have best friends. I like to control my environment and I’m a great puppet master. Lately, I’ve felt super vulnerable as I step into who I really am. It’s uncomfortable and scary but the closer I get, the less anxiety I feel. The more I’m comfortable, the more my wolf pack accepts and loves me. I’ve never been closer to my best friends than I am right now. I usually feel an underlying anxiety 80% of the time. I’m good at hiding it and I’ve learned to carry it as my passenger. But as I learned to hide my anxiety, I also learned to hide the reasons it was there. The more I expose my demons and slay them, the more at calm I feel. As the anxiety recedes, I’m able to feel emotions that I haven’t felt in a long time. The other day I cried because I was genuinely happy. Twice. If I had to label my anxiety now, I’d say it’s at 30% of the time.

I thought I was over panic attacks. I’ve only had a handful in the last two years. After a particularly vulnerable night, I knew Dan and I needed to talk. The first words he said to me threw into an instant panic attack. He was trying to express some feelings and chose the wrong words. What I heard was “You are unlovable now” which is like my #1 fear in life. Trigger attack. Once I’m in an attack I’m unreachable and unreasonable for 15 mins to an hour. It’s exhausting. You can see and hear yourself doing it but have no control over what’s happening. It’s likes the worst fight you’ve ever had with someone you’d never ever want to hurt, but it’s you that you’re fighting. It’s you that’s hurting. And you just have to watch yourself do it to yourself. I can’t really talk when it’s happening. Dan just held me and waited. He’s seen it once before so he understood what he was seeing. I’m almost always alone when it happens. It’s embarrassing. Which means I should probably share it with all of you.

I’ve been doing great overall. Mostly keeping my shit together and ducks in a row. I’m at 90% usual energy and 50% on workouts. I still don’t sleep at all but I’m used to it at this point. That night was a surprise. I guess I thought I was cured from all this crap? I’m shedding everything: literally skin, emotional weight, items from my home, items from my life that no longer bring me any purpose. I’m just so over it. They say you shouldn’t make big decisions when you’re grieving……but I’m pretty sure empty CDs from the 90s don’t need space in my home anymore. Everything that happens is lessening the load on my soul.

I’m also getting back to reading which I haven’t been doing. I listen to audiobooks and lots of podcasts. I read workout and fitness articles. But now I’m really reading. Reading for my soul and it feels good. I’d apologize for the language in this post but I’m just not sorry. I want to be in the place where four words can’t send me into an attack. I want to be in the place where no one’s opinions, thoughts or words have so much power over me. I want to be unfuckwithable. I’m getting closer and closer everyday.

I’ll leave you with this short but effective poem by c c spicer:

Certain things may have happened to you that

caused a lot of pain.

But remember, you are getting a lot stronger in

the process.

It’s not hurting you, it’s building you.

You are unfuckwithable.

⁃ c. c. spicer