Have you ever seen the most beautiful sunrise thought, “Crap. Another day.” I used to wonder how many days I’d get off work if I got in a car accident. I felt loved and happy less than 25% of the time. TV and food were my favorite past times and I could feel a silent scream building inside that frightened me. I thought this was totally normal.
When you try something on at the store but it doesn’t fit, you don’t buy it. When you order it online, if there’s a store to go to, maybe you’ll return it. If it’s online only……chances are you’ll end up keeping it if it wasn’t very expensive or giving to a girlfriend. Now imagine buying something online, site unseen because it’s been chosen for you, and you have to wear it everyday of your life. It costs years of salary and it’s non refundable. The outfit arrives. It doesn’t fit and it’s hideous.
Your choices are to send it back and still be out a crap ton of money or make it work. There’s no way you can buy another. So, you make it fit. You try to wear it under and over other things but, no matter how hard you try, it just doesn’t fit. But you have no choice right? You just keep wearing it day in and day out. This is how my life felt in the Midwest.
I grew up a red headed, straight, white, Christian girl in the far far suburbs of Chicago. I went to church on Sundays and Wednesday’s. My first boyfriend and first kiss were the Pastors Grandson. (PS he’s now married to a man) I didn’t ask a lot of questions. I was taught to be quiet and respectful. I never knew what it was like to be a victim of stereotype or even know what privilege meant. Everyone I knew looked like me and did the same things I did. It’s just what…..you did.
I took piano lessons starting in kindergarten and loved music from an early age. I’ve always shown a high aptitude for music and arts. I grew up in the theatre as well and performed in shows, concerts and recitals for decades. My mom watched every single one. I never had much talent for sports, although I tried. When it came time to go to college, it was a no brainer that I’d go to music school and become a teacher. If I’d known then what I know now, that was one of my first big mistakes but I made the choice on my own.
When I moved to college we started going to the city all the time. I learned my way around Chicago and can still navigate downtown by the smell of the water. I even dated a man that lived downtown that was much too old for me for a while. Scandalous I know. It was my first real experience of spreading my arms and making the choices I wanted. It felt incredible. I loved the city and couldn’t get enough. I dreamed of moving there or transferring to one of the schools downtown. I even filled out and application. I felt drawn to the city. Then I started dating Dan.
Dan is an introvert and much different than me. Intrinsically were nearly identical but we definitely live our days on different wave lengths. My parents were always a little concerned about him even though they loved him right away. Dan wasn’t a strong Christian and that’s who I was expected to marry. Dan wasn’t even a Christian at all really. They thought he’d poison me, and they were right but that would be years and years later.
For the first five years of our marriage we did it. We had a house we rented, a dog, attended church with friends, came home to celebrate birthdays and holidays, obligatory mediocre sex and I was a full time teacher. Everyone was asking “When are you going to have kids?” I had everything I’d ever wanted, right? I was totally miserable.
I was more excited by cheeseburgers and The Bachelor than I was having sex, so I just ate more and more. I was more excited about a day of going no where than seeing friends, so I just became more immobile. Every moment of worth I got from my job and I had no inner self worth. I didn’t look forward to any days really, everyday felt the same.
I feel like I could keep writing this post forever so I’m gonna wrap it up: nothing in my life in Illinois felt like it fit. I always dreamed of getting out and changing. I almost didn’t. I almost didn’t choose a different life for myself. I was supposed to fit in there because I was supposed to be a lot of things. I was supposed to marry a Christian man and have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence in a good school district. Instead I have an agnostic man who just got a vasectomy before we end up with an unwanted kid in our tiny city apartment. The Midwest and the life that I was supposed to have didn’t fit me. I know I disappointed some people and broke some hearts along the way. I know that who I am now makes some people from my past uncomfortable. I know it’s hard to see me change when you haven’t. I’m sorry if you’ve accepted a life that displeases you; I refuse.
